Well, where do I begin, I almost feel as if this is another personal testimony, but that is not really, what I am thinking through. I see myself first and foremost as a servant, not a very good one, but never the less a servant. My desire is that no matter the difficulty or obstacle, that, I would be a great one, but some days I am quite uncertain on how to obtain this stature of being a great servant. I do not wish or desire that I be praised or receive acclaim or the adulation of men, rather to just live a simple and humble life of servitude. Servitude to what you may be asking yourself about now. Well, most importantly as servant of God, to be His in totality, secondly, to be to my family what God would have me be, a husband that is there for his wife, to encourage, to help lift her up when she is down and to help her in ways that make her walk and her life more enjoyable. To love her as Christ, loves His church. Again, I do not do very well at this either, most days; I feel that I am at a total loss in how to be what God would have me be to her. Next, to be a father, a godly man who shows Christ and teaches God’s plan and lesson with His love, to train my children up for God and His purpose, once again I miss the mark a lot. Next, would be my call the be a minister of the Gospel of Christ, to serve in that capacity with zeal, humility, love, honesty and righteousness, to always put God and His priorities for my life before that of my own desire or ideas about how I think things should be, as the U.S Army puts to “Be All I can be”, And while this falls last in priority of a list, they are of all great importance.
At these points, I often wonder why? Why would the God of the Universe want me, what is in me that would be so special that He would care about the numbers of hairs on my head, let alone love a miserable wretch of a man, that never seems to get it, or get it right. Last night as I prepared to go to sleep, as I have done for the past couple of weeks, I have read a chapter or two, sometimes even three of the Book of John. In John 14:15 Jesus says, “if you Love Me you will keep my commands” and I wonder, do I love Him as much as I should, am I even capable of Loving Him that much. Would I, if a gun were held to my head or the heads of, one of my own, would I love Him enough?
In the Book of Acts, in the sixth and seventh chapters, we read of a man named Stephen, probably not who I was named after (I will actually have to look into that question) and I am a “v” not a “ph”. Anyway, in Acts six and seven we read of His love for God and how He was not only willing to but did, without protest, defense or equivocation, surrender his life and became the very first person to be martyred for the cause of Christ. Can I be such a man? Would I be such a man? So the question remains, Who am I? I am not a doctor or a lawyer, not an electrician or a carpenter, as I said in the beginning I am a servant.
See the reality is we are all servants, we all serve something or someone. I never really looked at it, that way, but when I smoked, the cigarette was my master. When I was an alcoholic and a drug addict they were my masters. We can be servants of our desires, or wants, basically like I said we are all servants of something or someone. What or who do you serve? It can even be things we think of as good, donating our time to good-will type organizations, being the team mom or dad, when and what makes it bad is when it replaces God as the Master over our servitude. I am not in charge of any but my own household and that, I submit to the desire of my Master, Christ, at least I desire too and I do try, some days harder than others, I am sure that you know what I mean. Outside of home, I am a student, going to college fulltime working toward a Bachelors of Science, this I do pretty well, I guess to some I am a pretty smart man, I have a strong desire to please God and I care deeply for the people who will someday be placed in my charge. I care about these people, whom I do not even know, yet, but I know that they will be sent from Him just as I too will be sent from Him to them, we will be a match made just for each other. I know it will not all be easy, hey it is not easy now, I suspect that it will get harder as I go along but at the same time I will become stronger as I face each new challenge.
I guess to understand these things we must first realize that God sees nothing in us worthy of His Love, He made man in His own image, He made us for communion with Him and thus far through history, at every chance we are given we have turned away to follow after our own devices. So, what does God see in me? Well, He does see that I believe, that I have and continue to confess my sins and I am heartbroken over them. He sees that I was baptized into the death of His Son and raised into the newness of life in Jesus. He sees the blood of His very own, covering my frailties, my shortcomings, my sins! Without His seeing this, to Him I would be someone that He would be lamenting over.
I made God cry, please do not think that I say this in some sort of lofty arrogance, I do not, it is just understanding some of His nature and besides that, we have all grieved God’s heart. I knew deep down, that when my dad said he did not believe in God, that was wrong yet, I lived my life like my earthly dad was right. That broke God’s heart, and if you are reading this and your getting this idea that I think I am somebody then you are dead wrong, or if you think God’s heart does not break, then, I say you are wrong again. I do not like putting God on human terms but we are human, that is all we have. If you have a child and that child grows up under your love and care, turns from you and denies you, you will be heart broken. Likewise, if God’s heart were not broken over our turning away from Him then why did He send His son Jesus to die for us? Jesus was sent to make it possible for God to keep His Holiness in tact and allow us to be with Him?
Why did He go out of the way and save the human race and work the plan that would meet the requirements for Holiness, which would at the same time allow an unworthy people in His presence? Love! He loves us even though we did not and some still to this day do not love Him, it is only love that could explain the why. See darkness and light cannot inhabit the same space and time, one must be dominate and Light is that dominating force, in every situation Light extinguishes the darkness. God is Light, since we are darkness we cannot be with the light unless we become light and we are just not capable, that is why God sent His Son for you and me, to be light for us.
So in this, I am now no longer counted as darkness but rather light, not light in the sense that I emanate it, but more like the moon in the sense that I reflect it, for His Son is my light. He is my source of and for being, He is my protector, my comforter, He is my healer. He is both my cup and my portion, He is my source for peace in my time of affliction, He is the calm in my storms. Jesus is the answer to all of my questions about who I am and am to be.
